Noticed a shift in a lot of what's worth spending your energy in comparison to what's not?
I know. So am I.
Noticed how appreciative you are of relationships that don't drain or sap you any longer?
I know. So am I.
Because you've changed. You've grown up. And your mindset has shifted exponentially. You've made leaps and bounds with the relationship you have with yourself. Congratulations.
Give thanks, Josue.
Now, briefly what is The Ori?
Y.O.U. 😊 Your intuition, Container of your Destiny, your physical body, head, and “control hub of Divine Will,” if you will, that directs energy in your life for your character development. There’s more! Words from one of the Great Men you hear me talk about pretty often in my podcast, ChiefYuya has provided me all that I know now. The ORI is a Yoruba word for “Head.” Here’s a bit from his book Grasping The Root of Divine Power, available on Amazon: “Our ORI assists us in achieving oneness with all of creation while maintaining and strengthening our relationship with our highest order thinking and functioning. our ori is our chain link to the supreme intelligence. It is our individualized portion of Oludumare's divine spark which allows us to fully realize ourselves as deities. It is the paramount self and the superconscious. one can connect to the ori through meditation and rituals similar to con necting with the ori-sa.” I allude to it pretty often in my Podcast. The Journey in 4 Series Audiofiction, as a matter of fact is an offering to my Ori. If you listen again, it might start to make sense. Anyway, I rocks with this shirt and I’ll be careful to maintain its purity. (Y’all know how white shirts get sometimes lmao) Of course, if you’d like to know more about The Ori, @saduluhouse has allllllll the info and deets. Oh, and this was shot by me.
GRAB YOUR TEE SHIRT HERE
Money Camp: We Shop At Dollar Land on Fridays is now available on Amazon.com
Man, I don't know where to begin. Never doubt the reality of your dreams coming to pass. Ever. We consciously and unconsciously create something every day - every moment in our lives. Our fantasies and dreams are no different. Make them real.
I will assure you that the reality of your dreams coming true will never feel the same as the fantasy.
And that feeling can be scary - but it's exhilarating at the same time. I can bet you that.
Please watch, Subscribe to my Podcast, Subscribe to my Channel, and follow me on Social Media. All of my handles are at the top of this page.
Had a mini segment on Fox 29 with Bob Kelly at Driftaway Cafe in my home town Lindenwold!!!
for group exhibition:
"Black Boy Blue: A Rhapsody of Many Selves"
Black Boy Blue: A Rhapsody of Many Selves is an upcoming art exhibition centering multiple facets of black male identity. Six artists explore the values, lessons, and passions that have shaped them as black men through their respective mediums, from music to fashion design. Curated and hosted by photographer Robert Carter, this show honors the complicated intersectional identities of being a black man and an artist in America.
1. Be Resourceful
2. Break the Cycle
3. Create Character
4. Have Faith
5. Learn Discipline
6. Correct the Brotherhood
7. Raise Sons
The theme for the art I chose surrounded building strength in numbers. Supporting one another. I felt painting the representation of “LEGO” fit perfect. And look at what they created.
I enjoyed this experience so much.
Glenn Morton is the founder of Father to a Fatherless Generation and can be reached via Facebook as well as phone for those interested in becoming involved. 856-522-6548
It's always great when your childhood friends (Family) shows up and supports you. Kendra Shine, Cyre Jones, and Nailah Arroyo came out to support me as we pained "Escaped to Paradise" at Uno's Maple Shade. It was such a pleasure and to see their faces made me happy,
This was the first time I taught and painted Wine Glasses! And this crowd was very special and unique. We had a great time together, talking about Food, Art, and Italy. I loved every minute.
What stuck out to me was the topic of emotional challenges. Many of us are raised or dare I say MAINTAINED in dysfunctional homes growing up. Our parents do what they can - however, more frequently at the expense of their children. These things are often buried deep within the minds of children and their behaviors and thoughts become coping mechanisms to deal with the pain they don't even realize they have.
Ms. Payne, the mother of the Founder, Teah, reached out to me via the referral of Mr. Rankin and shared this opportunity with me. I was down instantly.
So I donated my time, and materials (Ms. Payne grabbed Canvas and Colors) and we had a Paint Party. And boy was it H.O.T outside. I was soaked. Legit. However, it was rewarding and I was presented with a gift. A beautiful Buddha Board. It's funny how well they know what I would appreciate.
Thank you for this experience and it's moments like this that are so rewarding to be a part of.
NO PEEKING THEATRE
Presents "The Shit Show" in California!
Well - from 7/11-7/14/19 I was in California as a Sound Scaper for No Peeking Theatre's Production titled, "The Shit Show" written by LeeLee Jackson.
As a Sound Scaper, I created and or layered the sonic elements that add to the atmosphere of the production. After hearing my Audio Fiction titled, "The Journey in 4 Series," Amanda Levie, the Founder of No Peeking Theatre asked me to join the project.
I am also the Secretary of the Executive Board of No Peeking Theatre - so I'm pretty involved. I've attended 7 of the 10 productions, written for 2, and worked 1 very briefly behind the scenes. Such an experience.
Here in this Vlog, we share the experience, some additional footage, commentary, and etc during our stay in California. Unexpected faces showed up and supported and it was an overall success, despite so many roadblocks and challenges leading up to the Show day.
ONE rehearsal the DAY before the show, only lasting for 3.5 hours, people dropping out like flies over the course of time, deception, and confusion for some reason turned around into something that wasn't so disappointing. Many many lessons were learned. However, Amanda Levie, without her awareness, educated me on Risk Assessment.
"The Big Event Event Entertainment Experience" - Cherry Hill, NJ
Ayeee! Party of 6 tonight! Intimate and social crew. “Caribbean Paradise”! Next up! Dadz Bar & Grill 6/13!!
"Racks Pub & Grill" - Williamstown, NJ
Raaaackssss! Thank you again! Dope crew ANND some familiar faces! It made me feel good to know someone wanted to see my face again. This is part of what makes these nights special, for real. See you soon, Racks!
"Landmark Americana Glassboro" - Glassboro, NJ
Thank you Landmark for having us! See you 6/19! Relaxing Night. Beautiful energy.
"Bertucci's Italian Restaurant" - Mt. Laurel, NJ
Heyyy Bertucci's! Thank you for having us. SOLD OUT! Lovely, Funny group.
"Brunswick Zone" Mother's Day - Deptford, NJ
Had a great night with Paint Nite! I might move here and sleep in your closet, Brunswick Zone lmao. I'm gonna miss you. See you soon!
"Brunswick Zone" Mother's Day - Deptford, NJ
This was a special day - my Mother and brothers came out!
"Brunswick Zone" - Deptford , NJ
"Uno Chicago Grill" - Maple Shade, NJ
"Racks" - Williamstown, NJ
South Jersey, NJ
South Jersey, NJ
I'm so fortunate. To have partnered with Yaymaker (formerly known as Paint Nite) - this allows me to share more love with people on a consistent level.
Mount Holly, NJ
Stop at Jae Raygan Salon for all your Styling needs!
Hainseport, New Jersey 08036
Well anyway, this isn't the first time my mother came to her for some Beauty work. The first time she got a custom wig made by Kendra and make-up done. This time, she got her make-up done.
I enjoy make-up because it's an art form and the colors are very interesting to me. The "Smokey eye" looks and things are so fascinating. The trending Instagram pages are loaded with a "heavy contour" look - that's the best way that I can describe it. It's common amongst Drag Queens.
What I like about Kendra's make-up applications is that it looks very natural. She can complete a very "Day-to-day" look that looks very supple, soft, and gentle in person.
She did an amazing job.
Visit her Website!
Fun Times Paint Lounge
Large crowd of live people! Loved tonight. I really enjoy being here - ya'll don't understand!
Fun Times Paint Lounge
1149 Nostrand Ave
This one was interesting!
Funny story: there was a slight mixup over what was to be painted that day and what I brought Prepared to teach.
Long story short, I had to improvise and reproduce a Bob Ross style painting very impromptu, without a palette knife.
It went successfully nonetheless.
Another great night at FTPLNYC. The DJ was love! Lol
Start of my Podcast
The start of a new endeavor. Vulnerability, coupled with my love for people taking their life by the horns have joined in union.
The Painted Fool is a space I've created initially for artists - but since has changed to everyone...on the path to better character and accomplishment.
I figure, "Why not share myself in a different way coupled with the Painting videos I'll be putting out to expand more on what my art means or what challenge I'm currently working through. Why not share that? So many of us struggle with issues that once overcome, you excel with leaps and bounds.
I'll be covering Focus & Attention Management that's required to increase productivity (in addition to other areas this discipline covers), my own Artistic Development through practice, and so many other things.
I'm thrilled - honestly, thrilled to share this part of myself with the world - and to be engaged.
Happy New Year! A Happy New Year it was!
I was hired by Kalisa Peele to instruct a children's paint party down at their beautiful space - Fun Times Wine & Paint Lounge on Nostrand Ave in Brooklyn, New York. I worked with over 15 bright, colorful young girls who were all legitimately excited to create their pandas.
I was being pulled in multiple directions - BUT because they were very excited about their art, I ran in those different directions! Lol
Their excitement excited me and I was not about to let them down. It got a little late and the parents had to head out, so we didn't have enough time to grab the group shot - but I did not mind at all. I had a job to do - and I'm sure i'll be back :)
It was a great experience and one that opened me up to traveling even further.
I swear this space is gorgeous - GOOO! https://funtimeswineandpaintloungenyc.com
Mr. Crudup, the good brother I referred to a couple posts ago (who sent the Burroughs family my way) wanted me to instruct a lesson with his daughter for over two months - and we will definitely set that up! We've both been pretty busy! In the meantime, he messaged me to instruct a paint party for the mother of his child, Michelle.
True story: it was LAST MINUTE! We're talking a day before-last-minute! But I couldn't and wouldn't refuse. He gave me some material I could work with - for birthdays, I like to ask what the recipient likes - what their favorite things are, for example, to incorporate that into the painting. He went as far as sending me swatches of the home so the paintings would match the decor. Good thinking, Isaiah.
The event was lovely. Their daughter, Nina, is a CHARACTER - I love her personality. I had a great time. Nette made some really good cookies, by the way. And the dog, B - I wanted to hug him.
Back at it again! My two hearts wanted to create some artwork for their other aunt to present for the holiday! According to Mom, she loves the beach. Sooooo....wanna see what we did?
Now mom and I provided some guidance to make this one a little special, HOWEVER! The girls came such a long way.
And it turned out beautiful.
Zindzi & Desta wanted to present gifts to their Aunts for the Holidays. Talk about excited! I enjoyed painting this together. The deep blue water felt good to paint.
This was a Primary Colors mixing exercise with a fun twist. Family is VERY important - and seeing the structure of the Burroughs family really inspires me. Mr. and Mrs. Burroughs legitimately have a great system set in place for teaching their children. While teaching Zindzi and Desta, Mr. Burroughs is with their sons, Keto and Deuce in the other room, engaging with them. It fills my heart so much. Each and every time. I can't even describe the feeling.
So this painting is modeled after their royal family.
These young girls are some of the silliest people I've ever met so far. Karima Robinson reached out for a paint party - I love her personality. So far I've met some very fun and charismatic people with these paint parties. I'm filled with so much love each time. It's so relaxing.
This lesson was special. I've worked with great children thus far. Desta and Zindzi are further examples! Extremely intelligent, well mannered, and pleasant children. For this particular lesson, I was very pleased to see when they asked to style their subject in their own way. Most of the time in paint parties, people ask to individualize their art. When children ask, I get so excited because some very different things show up on canvas.
This painting lesson was very special. Desta wanted to decorate her art with their cousin's name, CaMari, who unfortunately passed on a few days before. It became art dedicated to CaMari.
Peace to the family of CaMari. Peace to the Burroughs.
Charcoal is my FAVORIITE medium of drawing. It's black dust that goes on like paint. Zindzi and Desta did an amazing job. The children take direction so well.
UPDATE: Lilith safety arrived in Madison, WI - FELINE APPROVED. When a cat approves, that's the ultimate validation! Ha!
Yes. My very first portrait, "Lilith" sold - to someone who wanted her for over a year. I was blown away - filled with gratitude (for a multitude of reasons), and excited all in the same breath.
She asked me questions about Lilith and its symbolism to me. She asked all the right questions for someone who wanted "someone else's" art in their home. I was taken by surprise with some of the questions she asked - but happy she did, because it opened up a pleasant connection between us. Months later I even e-mailed her just to see how she was doing, just because of the impact of the conversation. When a person invests the energy in understanding me and the art, without a harmful or undesired agenda, I treasure them.
Months later, on November 3rd, 2018 - I received an e-mail of a purchase of Lilith. And it was by her. I grinned and started yelling and laughing out loud in my sacred space. I'll share some of the experience.
I am fortunate and honored to be requested to teach Art Lessons with a beautiful family. I was referred to them by a good brother who's taken up an interest in me providing a paint lesson with his daughter. They are a Home Schooling family. A very structured family unit that I take so much pleasure being around. They are also vegan. Before I go writing for days with the things I've learned from his wonderful family and about the public school systems, I'll just share photos of the experience.
Had such an awesome time instructing this paint party - a lot of laughter happened here.
She genuinely loves to learn and asks to paint with me whenever she visits!
Pharo's Phantaseas Island Surprise Birthday Paint Party
I had the pleasure of painting for Ian's family in this surprise event. Ian presented the idea of painting something with a Bronx, NY theme. So I figured to tie in a birthday element with the Bronx and create something unique. The cupcake covers elements of the Bronx flag. In the background is the GW bridge and a subway train thrown in the mix to tie everything together.
We had an amazing time. A lot of jokes were cracked towards everyone's work between family members. The energy was so synergistic - some were very eager to learn and model the reference photo. Others were steps ahead and very detail oriented. It was a pleasure.
Day well spent!
Pharo's Phantaseas Paint & Boat Party 8/18
Pharo’s Phantaseas Paint & Boatride 8/4
Connecting with my Joy, June 2018
So, while I've been fishing and transforming, I pulled up an interesting knowing: "I haven't experienced Joy in so long." And I typically experience this when I'm surrounded in group/social settings having a blast - whether it's going out to eat together, partying, or having a shin-dig. One-on-one connections are awesome, but groups of carefree and adventurous people that I LIKE plays a huge piece into my joy. I love people - I love being around clean energy. So off to Maryland I went for a couples getaway.
It was so far in 2018 THE most refreshing weekend I had. There were absolutely no issues whatsoever. We all chipped in and got a huge house via AirBnB, which was awesome. We ate until we popped, drank, played games, partied, and took advantage of every day in every moment. I met a new couple, who just made the weekend even better. Zique and Jason were the life of the party, hands down. Tikia had me dying - I love her personality. LaQuanda made my stomach hurt the most in laughter. Kamaria was the one that pretty much shared my joy. Tony is very chill. He reminds me of a slow burning cigar. And had Brandon not introduced me to them, I wouldn't have had this life changing experience. He gets the kudos.
It's crazy what a simple getaway will do. A lot of this experience consisted of me letting a lot of fears go. I tell you, when you link with individuals you know you have no business linking up with, you place yourself in dangerous territory and it could affect you in many different ways. You may acquire different unhealthy habits, thoughts/attitudes, or even bring physical harm to yourself.
This is why The Fisherman is so important. Because I am still actively undoing a lot of self harm and shaking myself away from unhealthy paradigms. I acquired different anxieties being in relationships that I had no business being in. Lesson learned.
SO in Maryland, I let more fears go. One of those, being fearful of financial failure. I transformed that fear into a challenge that I will overcome. I intended on enjoying myself. I even shed a little bit of "introversion," if you will. I had a sense - a deep sense, that I would enjoy myself. I set the intention. That was the most important part. And when Brandon and I arrived and opened the door to the beach house, I was met exactly with the spirit I projected. Joy. The moment literally carried me through the door.
But the BONUS was, the spirit followed me home and I haven't been the same since.
I will re-create this experience as often as I desire.
The Fisherman, April 2018
You and I.
The fisherman is a concept that speaks to the act of drawing out deeply rooted traumas that have shaped harmful behaviors and perspectives by introducing the truth and allowing conviction to stir and cause discomfort within - causing change. As the fisherman draws out what is beneath the water, so will you, and through identifying the traumas and taking full responsibility over your life, will you transform that once hidden trouble or troubles, into your chariot. It will be your healing. And with your understanding, empathy, and compassion developed through the challenging emotional Healing process, will you be the fisherman to another.
This painting was initially created during a time of resentment due to the severing of relationships in 2017. I had to face truths with myself the more I became convicted through the emotional stress of these relationships. The truth was, I prolonged harmful relationships in my life because I was lying to myself - and as a result, I was lying to them. I knew from the very beginning that these relationships were unhealthy for me. However, I felt I should endure them out of pity because my self worth was low, thus failing to set boundaries and show myself respect. My healing began.
While those observing my relationships would say, "You were disrespected, hurt, and put up with a lot." I would say that I was lying to myself and my choices of poor self care resulted in these lessons to teach me how to set boundaries and be more honest with myself.
It was less "You did this to me." and more "I allowed, because..."
And as a result, I completely severed ties and began to set boundaries. I rejected receiving other's fears/anxieties and harmful internal dialogue, I rejected filling others voids. And I began to work on my own.
During this process of disobedience to my own Soul - I had to get through the emotional cleansing - in which I was resentful and bitter towards the individuals who I allowed to hurt me (ultimately, Myself). I began to create this painting. The healing is not done.
Let us make way for our healing - by first drawing up the neglected, festering things...and in the light, command them to obey us. You have the power. #oilpainting #triggers #fears #chariots #healing #healingwork #innerdemons #art #artist #transmutation #character #cycles #attachments #powerofthetongue #trauma #memories #philly #phillyart
A post shared by Jay (@sourcecodetyro) on
I received a message from someone by the name of Savannah on my Etsy, who, after discovering my artwork on Instagram wanted to learn about my experience as an artist selling artwork.
After talking myself through my own traumas of "letting the wrong people in," out of being naive, in pity, or whatever harmful reason I came up with, I decided to go forward with the interview, giving her my number and selecting a date to speak with her.
I didn't know what to expect - and I went forward not expecting anything for the sake of my own development. Currently, I'm in the process of doing some ego adjustment and killing off a few lingering demons I've allowed to hide out and run this ship. So, I made it my business to go forward in my days not entertaining harmful self-dialogue for instance, or pressuring myself to complete this-or-that, or thinking too much at all, as that's been one of my challenges. Not being present.
Thursday, 3/22 happened and I received the phone call 12 noon exactly, and I took the call...not entertaining any dangerous thoughts. (It's something about Thursdays that I love, by the way.) We exchanged greetings and we jumped right into the interview, being asked questions such as, "Do you want notoriety / Do you want your artwork in a gallery / What is the purpose of your art / What is your favorite & least favorite thing about selling your art?"
It flowed naturally and I thoroughly enjoyed it. She then asked me if I had anyone else in mind that she could interview and if so, to let her know and she looks forward to hearing from me again.
I became motivated to tighten loose ends on my "First" "debut" painting that I will be sharing with the world to introduce myself as I share my intellect, love, experiences, and lessons (via YouTube and other social media outlets).
The painting covers trauma - a life long lesson and journey towards healing that a lot of us could benefit from.
Looking forward to speaking with you again, Savannah.
Readying myself to share myself with the rest of the world.
I received a request some months back to facilitate a painting lesson as a surprise for a birthday. Whenever I receive these requests, I spend a lot of time in advance preparing and organizing my supplies. I also spend a few days challenging myself, by listening and transforming my harmful internal dialogue to healthy dialogue - and reflecting on the source of this dialogue to begin with.
So the time came for the lesson and it went very well. Your energy isn't directed in being this serious teacher as I imagined (You'd think I'd know that since I've done this plenty of times before undocumented) - it's in having an ebb and flow of free-flowing dialogue with teaching. The results aren't supposed to come out perfect and masterly. It's to be unique, fun, and engaging.
Cheers to another milestone.
Pancakes & Booze Part 2 / January 2018
You know, that night, I thought "Wow, really? Me?" It was hard to accept!
Some say I've worked hard - but my faint (once very loud, so I'm giving myself credit) harmful internal dialogue says I haven't worked hard enough - I haven't struggled for hours and hours at a time or burst into tears after not getting a particular painting right time and time again, or I haven't had some unfortunate event occur that made all my fantasized hardworking go to naught.
You see? Although people tell me great things that fills my heart, purifies my mind, and soothes my hot emotions, the undercurrent, or the boil beneath or within my subconscious, has been:
"You won't deserve it until physical/emotional suffering related to your craft validates your journey up to the rewards." Weird, right? Why is that? Because I've seen so many people speak on the struggles in their crafts. The many failures...the emotional ups and downs. I've seen representations in the media of artists crumbling up drawings, throwing their canvases, snapping their pencils and paintbrushes and leaving their rooms frustrated over not being able to execute a successful piece or study. I've seen representations of musicians doing the same thing. People with these goals all suffering the same way.
And although I've learned to drop a few of the weights associated with this harmful self dialogue, sometimes it returns.
BUT, I had to think - for many years, I was lost - not confident in myself or not applying myself to the canvas enough and hoping for a great return. I only enjoyed the emotional highs of fantasizing doing well or accomplishing a small feat artistically. I've fantasized about fame. I was somewhat locked in this realm of make-believe and never created the world of make-it-exist. Not to mention I've struggled with mental limitations due to seeking shortcuts in my artistic representations; not truly studying the human anatomy for instance - not being able to stay focused because my anxiety with wanting to be this amazing artist-so-soon played as the melody in my mind even while trying to read or pay attention in classes. I had a lot of things going on mentally.
So perhaps, the clarity that I'm currently experiencing has been me submitting to the process. Perhaps me being present in REALITY is helping me develop in the way that my Soul intends. Perhaps I deserve it because I've left a long journey of confusion and doubt. Being a teenager and fooling around on photoshop and creating illustrations for a fashion designer, graphic design, struggling to draw and paint, struggling with patience, and still struggling with color even...all of those moments shaped me as I am today - right now.
For once, I truly feel like after all the noise ceased, was I able to truly receive the kind and inspiring words of Adrienne and her Husband - the kind and inspiring words of Tobi. I was happy - not to receive payment, but to know that my paintings are on their walls currently. A piece of me is being shared - my priesthood is subconsciously developing, and they actually like it. They see the art. And those close to me, including myself said, "You deserve it."
Cheers to working even harder.
My new endeavor.
Wood working has always been an interest of mine. About a year or two before, I obtained spiritual consultation under more than one occasion. Each time, the instruction was to get into woodworking, as it's in the blood line. 'Problem for me was, I didn't know who carried the ability before me. In the last consultation, the woman channeled to me that it was my Grandfather...
But which one? Maternal or Paternal? Did it matter?
I thought about how much I and my mother love wood and thought it could've been my maternal grandfather. Still wasn't sure. I thought about much I love the woods - how I've fantasized living deep in someone's rainforest about 6 months out of the year. I settled with the idea of having a traditional American home in a wooded area close to civilization. Either way, the woods, cedar, the dirt, the trees, animals, and "wood spirits" will be closer to me than before.
So I asked both sides of the family. On my paternal side, it was revealed to me that my Grandfather was "handy" (I spoke with an Aunt about a month after the second spiritual consultation) - and then shortly after in December 2017, I discovered on my maternal side, that my aunt gathered a bunch of woodworking tools from my grandfather that weren't used as much by him after he transitioned.
A month before this (November 2017) I noticed my neighbor, a man who I never spoke with for the 2-3 years of him and his family living there, was outside on a tree stump carving a wood spirit. Now I noticed a few walking sticks out there before but was doubtful that that's what they were. In my mind, I asked, "What was the likelihood of someone sharing this same interest in walking sticks, let alone wood carving?" But on this particular day, he was carving a wood spirit as I was walking my nephew to the car when I decided to ask him what he was carving (in other words, to obtain his permission to get in his business, ha).
We had a pretty lengthy talk after I returned to him and showed him some wood I've held in my home for about 3 years. He shared a story about his life - how he "lived the fast life," retired to an island and started carving. He then came to jersey and is in a different place mentally. A higher consciousness.
He then explained that he would love for me to work with him once he opens up his building for woodworking. He challenged me to learn all that I could about carving. Told me to carve a pyramid. I grabbed that walking stick I whittled years ago and began sanding.
Life Lessons and Skill Development w/ @mr_downes
You know, your soul loves to politely hand you reinforcements in the language of lessons; Patience, Gentleness, Confidence, and Submission. Four of the main keys to my development.
No matter how much I may want to step up to the next level to whatever my narcissism seeks, I'm confronted with gentle reminders to carefully integrate the lesson at hand. I struggle with these four virtues and have actively been working towards mastering them without as half as much resistance as I have had in the past.
"Just let it happen."
"Trust the paint."
"You can correct it."
Although some would think that I've increased in skill - my inner critic begs to differ - I've struggled with being gentle with myself and in turn, I suffer in being harsh with myself and others.
I struggle with being confident in applying my paint out of the fear of making a mistake and seeing it; in turn, I suffer with omitting things and living truthfully out of the fear of offending someone/acceptance.
I struggle with the patience that's required in painting. In turn, I suffer with procrastination or not knowing when my patience has become stupidity in tolerating behavior that does not serve me.
I struggle with submitting - being the conduit - being empty in painting. In turn, I suffer with anxiety to have a desired outcome and others instead of sitting in emptiness.
I met Downes, as I call him, who was down to join and exchange artistic information. Very excited to have added another link to my network of artists, we exchanged pleasantries and started discussing oil / watercolors.
He's not here for Oil Painting lmao.
However when he began to explain watercolor to me, I began to have antagonistic self-dialogue, doubting my ability to grasp the concept and doubting my ability to enjoy it. I told myself this would be hard and I wouldn't get it.
He says, "I just do it." It's always that simple when you're out of your thoughts. Always. Thankfully for me, it was easy because I carry the determination to master these virtues...and because he was with me.
He stressed the importance of being gentle. You're working with more water - more fluid, so you're at the 'mercy' of it. You're allowing the water to flow. In blending, you direct the paint and allow it to work with the water and mix on its own. It was so difficult for me because my sense of control overpowered my allowing of the study to reveal itself. I would dry brush and scrub to "blend" so harshly. He said, "your painting shouldn't sound like that.." He showed me that I can correct my mistakes as easily as I make them and to just "do it" - just enjoy it. It's not supposed to feel like "Work."
So there, my issues became more pronounced - and simultaneously, in conversation with him - in tutelage with him, I began to share with myself more clearly, the issues that I have, even in my oil paintings. My fears. My anxieties.
They will be eradicated.
Pancakes & Booze Philadelphia / September 2017
Pancakes & Booze was forwarded over to me by someone who really supports my art and wants me to stop hiding and do better than I have been.
At first my fears and fantasies prevented me from tackling the opportunity until the event approached closer in the calendar and I decided with someone close to me that I would seize it.
So I submitted my work, and willed for acceptance in the opportunity. After obtaining acceptance I selected 4 pieces, and willed for the best.
Upon entering the building to hang my work before the show, I thought I would be very uncomfortable and nervous. I thought that my anxiety or fear of success and “exposure” would cause me to cancel and run away from the opportunity. Strangely, I was less anxious as I fantasized I would be and more comfortable.
I learned about presentation - what I will have for my next art show, how early I will arrive, and other useful virtues currently under development.
So the show began and people were already there by the time I arrived with my support and I set my intention to meet at least one new person to support and connect with in some way, as I found that connections are way more important and valuable than sales. I had to check a lot of my ego at the door beforehand, trust me, because I was solely sold on making a sale just to feel validated. I originally pursued this opportunity with the lowest intention possible. Not good.
Directly across from me I met a woman who received a lot of attention for her Louis Vuitton logo painting. It was done well.
I also met “VVega215” - who approached me to invite me to her art show she and her friend “Key” put together at Openspace Philly (I loved the show). I’m optimistic that we will see one another more often, as I’ve already made up in my mind that I’m a supporter of she and other artists in her “cypher.” Their intentions were well and the turn out appeared to be a return for a lot of sowing.
I’m a supporter of artists who are truly invested in putting their best foot forward in self discipline to achieve their greatest - Who are on their hustle and who genuinely support one another. I will them the best.
At the end of Pancakes & Booze, not only did I feel validated, my goal was met, I shared my personal story with people to one of my paintings that received a lot of attention - “Lilith,” and met great artists.
But above all, I was in my element. In character, and the Work put in this came with such a great return. I belong here. And it wasn’t the sale that validated that knowing.
I will be in more art shows to come.
Quite an experience. My first ever live streamed teaching. Believe it or not, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I taught how to paint the Northern Red Oak Tree in Oil...and it was fun.
For those who are interested in teaching, it helps to have some anxiety - in the sphere or spirit of precaution. You will be most prepared, gathering supplies days in advance, considering the play-by-plays of accidents and errors...having that foresight to anticipate the worst and ways to avoid the obvious from happening.
And suddenly it will fly by so fast and you'll have the experience imprinted into your consciousness. You will be different.
Who I Am
Ultimately, I am a student: from Birth till' Death.
I took up drawing as an elective in Rowan College at Burlington County and despised the patience required to create drawings. I wanted to see what I was shown through media in no time. I never saw the labor and necessary character adjustment required to become a disciplined artist...so I wasn't happy.
In short, I wanted to see through everyone's eyes, and re-create someone else's aesthetic. That's not right is it?
Sure it can be looked at as flattery; however, to my own Soul, it is disrespect. What about creating my own aesthetic? Sending my own message?
Eventually, I began to develop the patience through Oil Painting to become disciplined. Every moment is a lesson.
Ultimately, I am a student; from birth till death.”